Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
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When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Hey I worked for it too!
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.