Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
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I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
“Omg I love it”
*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.