Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

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Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.


I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.


My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.


Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.


Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.


*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”


*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”


If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.