Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
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HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….