Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.

I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”

Her: you look great

My brain: say thank you

Anxiety: why does she hate me

Me: I have peanut butter in my hair

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”

It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

Sign at work today

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?

Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.

I ate everything, including the H.

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.

“It all started when my mom met my dad…”

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.