Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
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“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
If you had more money you’d be happier.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
#parenting
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.