hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
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If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…