Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
You Might Also Like
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.