HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
You Might Also Like
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
RT if you could go either way.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.