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The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.