HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
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If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
I hate my earbuds.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early