Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
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[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.