Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
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Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
concern
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.