When you “pspspsp” too hard
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
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Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.