Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
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You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
❤️❤️❤️
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.