@ColoradoUgly

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

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@WilliamAder

Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.

@fro_vo

everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive

@Ygrene

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

@Shira

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

@chopper4jk

GF: Can I have some almonds?

Me: Sure I’m done with them.

GF: These are good!

Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.

@Marcmywords2

I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.

@samiam604

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

@shegotagronk

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

@LadyBroseph

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.