Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
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Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Xylophonist Shredding It
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
How it started: How it’s going:
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see