Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
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Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”