Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
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Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good