Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
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Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Feel. He’s so soft.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Thursday