@copymama

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

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@holy_schnitt

if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life

@bingowings14

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

@david8hughes

[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy

@pilau

In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard

@NicCageMatch

A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.

@chuuew

[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!

@WheelTod

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

@Bizarro_Mark

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

@Darlainky

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.