Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
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genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
I’m awake but I object,
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.