Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
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[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.