“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
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I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Oh boy, $150,000!
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?