‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
You Might Also Like
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.