“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
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All generalizations are stupid.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
WTF IS THAT!
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.