“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
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It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
My work here is done
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
life finds a way
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.