Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
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I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
yeah no that’s fair
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.