hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
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Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.