Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
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Super Hand Dog Face
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
#FunnyLife Insects
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Order here:
More here:
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”