“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
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SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Autocorrect completely socks
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom