Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
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If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Looking at you, Jesus.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE