“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
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PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.