@Cheeseboy22

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

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@MrGeorgeWallace

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

@SteveSuckington

“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”

@JackAsHell

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

@24HourBitching

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

@alldrolledup

It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

@ericonederful

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

@SortaBad

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

@Brianhopecomedy

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

@tastefactory

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO