Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
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*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA