Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
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“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO