“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
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I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999