“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
You Might Also Like
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.