Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
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You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Harsh but fair
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
i love meeting boys on tinder
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.