Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
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I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Waiting for the Charmin
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Here’s a meme
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?