HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
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Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Best table by far
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”