Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
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“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more