HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
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Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
💁🏻♂️
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
i wish i could marry a nap
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]