hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
You Might Also Like
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
#Caturday
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.