Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
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Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER: