Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

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“You think I’m smart, right?”

Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.


if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.


*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*


Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???


Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.


Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.


Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?

Me: Never

Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.

Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.


Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.


Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?