Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
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When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
*limbos away from your hug*
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.