Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
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I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.