“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
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My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
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My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
You look like you would fail a DNA test
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready