Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
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My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
The first matador
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again