Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

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Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.


The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.


My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.


I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?


Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.


Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time


*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*


Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .