Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
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Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
#JohnTravolta
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Velcrow
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.