Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

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When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.


*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t


one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague


Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.


I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.


One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.


Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.


I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.


me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days