@BenOnus_Kenobus

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

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@E_Ville13

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

@ACartoonCat

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

@drdevonprice

one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague

@RobinSage76

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

@iheartgunts

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

@RealSudoNim

One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.

@JosesLovesYou

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

@jasonroeder

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

@dadmann_walking

me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days