Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
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[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Adultry does not sound fun at all
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar