@E_Ville13 When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
@BenOnus_Kenobus Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
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@E_Ville13 
@English_Channel I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
@ACartoonCat *first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
@drdevonprice one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
@RobinSage76 Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
@iheartgunts I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
@RealSudoNim One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
@JosesLovesYou Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
@jasonroeder I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
@dadmann_walking me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days