Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
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Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…