@NikiWithIssues

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

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@UnFitz

DIE HARD (1988)

Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.

The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!

@Ameiam

People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.

@MunkMania

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.

@robfee

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.

@jwoodham

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

@Michabean

My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.

@TheRobCee

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

@wildethingy

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

@TheBoydP

[Heaven]

Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…