Seek kebab; not attention
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
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The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter