@NikiWithIssues

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

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@GloriaFallon123

The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”

@Stap_Jr

Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.

@PeachyPixel8

I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS

@snmrrw

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

@Ideal_Victoria

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

@Vanilla_cupcak

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

@gerryhallcomedy

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

@

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

@Tobi_Is_Fab

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter