Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
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Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect