HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
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I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?