“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
You Might Also Like
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.