Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
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White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
wow he looks just like him
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed